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The Theory of 5 Influences

Introduction

Whether a man defines himself as gay, bisexual or bi-curious society tends to label him as homosexual. This polarised view of sexuality is increasingly being challenged, and now many experts recognize that to define a person’s sexuality in such a binary manner is wrong. Still, the favored explanations put forward to explain why a man maybe sexually attracted to another man is that it is either a choice he has made, or it is genetically per-determined.

In his Theory of 5 Influences, Sex Mentor Colin Richards challenges that perception. Informed by his 12 years experience of working with thousands of men who have expressed a broader sexuality plus his subsequent research with two independent surveys Colin presents his arguments and his findings to support his Theory of 5 Influences.

If ever you have questioned your subconscious sexual desires or recognize that you do have some attraction to same sex intimacy but do not self-identify as being homosexual then The Theory of 5 Influences will enable you to look at your feelings in a different light. The Theory of 5 Influences supports the idea that a persons sexuality is unique and that it is a combination of factors that includes genetics, environment, psychology, and natural life process that is in a perpetual state of change through a persons life.

The five dynamics that combine to create your unique sexuality.

For 12 years I have worked as a professional masseur and sex mentor, and during that time I have given appointments to men and women of all ages, sexualities and cultural backgrounds for both sensual massage and sexual performance mentoring. As well as general sexual performance advice I also give support to many men and women who feel or desire to explore their sexuality. I estimate of the 5000 male clients and 1000 female clients I have seen, 65% tell me that although they present themselves publicly as heterosexual, they privately recognise they have a desire to experience sensual or sexual intimacy with another person of the same sex. Many come to appreciate even welcome their poly sexuality, but for some, it can prove a challenging time and so to lessen the confusion and ease their minds and so they can live life contented with whom they really are, I take the time to explain why I believe they feel the way they do. The Theory of 5 Influences is my understanding of how a person’s sexual attraction is made up.

Why I focus on male sexuality

In this article, I focus on male same-sex attraction rather female same-sex attraction. The theory applies to both genders but for ease of explanation I have chosen to focus on male sexuality. I have worked with more men than women since even in the more enlightened societies of the West if a man is seen to have intimate or sexual contact with another man he is immediately labeled as being gay, whereas a woman has more freedom to explore her sexuality without being labeled as a lesbian.

In brief

I believe that the desire for a man to experience male to male sex is mostly an unconscious desire to bond and emotionally connect with another man and not just for the sexual pleasure.  To prove this I set up two surveys asking various questions to establish this broader desire

The surveys

I began an initial sexuality survey in 2006 on the Massage33 web site. When clients registered to access more detailed information on treatments they were asked to complete a registration form in which they were asked to define their sexuality. However, rather than just the one question they were asked to state both their publicly acknowledged sexuality (the sexuality they openly admit to) and their privately acknowledged sexuality (the sexuality they feel they really are but can’t be public about). The surprising results of this prompted me to set up a more comprehensive survey asking more defined questions about the relationship with primary carers, what was important to them in the sexual experience, profession, and personal traits and characteristics. This second survey began in 2012 and is still running. The graphs shown below are from the data collected up to January 2016.

If you would like to add to take the survey and add your data to the survey please click on the link below

 Click Here to take the survey

Survey Results

1. When asked to state their publicly presented sexuality

(what they tell family & friends)

Total Surveyed 335

60% Straight – 204
35% Gay – 117
3% Bi Sexual – 11
1% Bi Curious – 3

2. When asked to state their privately acknowledged sexuality

(what they actually feel about themselves)

Total surveyed 335

13% Straight – 44
49% Gay – 167
20% Bisexual – 68
16% Bi Curious – 56

a) Breakdown of change of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight compared to their actual privately acknowledged sexuality

Remained Straight – 40
Straight to Gay – 57
Straight to Bi Sexual – 67
Straight to Bi Curious – 56

b) Withholding true sexuality

This statistic shows that of 204 men surveyed who identify publicly as Straight 180 (88%) were withholding their true sexuality.

c) Men in female relationships

Of 112 men who declared that they had been or currently were married or partnered or seeing women sexually as single men, 82 (73%)  are withholding their true sexuality from their female partners.

3. Survey on attitude to experiencing male to male sensual touch

Of the 44 men who defined themselves as straight both publicly and privately, 26 say that they have received sensual touch from another man at least once and have enjoyed it and would receive again.

(colin’s comment – this indicates that a man can regard himself as totally straight but still have an attraction to share intimate arousal with another man without it challenging his identity. If these men were added to the above statistics for Bi Curious ie taking the statistic from 56 to 80 and then reducing the Straight statistic by 24 to 16, the result shows that of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight only 7% are truly not interested in any sensual interaction with other men. Furthermore, there are 6 men, who have declared their total straightness but have indicated that although they have never experienced sensual touch with another man before they are interested to try it sometime in the future)

a) Of the 335 men surveyed about their desires for sensual touch with another man

27%  Enjoy it occasionally – 89
62% Enjoy it often -211
8% Want to try it – 26
3% Do not want to try it at all – 9

4. Aspects of male to male sexual behavior

The survey also asked questions about what men felt was important to them when having a sensual or sexual interaction with another man.

a) Importance or erotic intimacy

63% Very Important – 214
23% Important – 79
6 % Moderately Important – 20
1% Little Importance  – 5
6% Unimportant – 17

Interestingly of the 22 who answered Unimportant or Little Importance 15 were the men who defined as Straight both publicly and privately.

b) Importance of anal sex

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The Theory of 5 Influences

This theory advances the premise that a person’s attraction to another person, whether male or female, is not fixed at birth but is dependent on five primary influences that can sway attraction from opposite sex to same sex or a combination of both. The theory of 5 influences also advances the hypothesis that attraction is a combination of sexual, psychological, and emotional, so it is quite possible for a person to be both heterosexual and homo-emotional at the same time.

Whilst there is clear scientific evidence that our genetics do play a part in a persons orientation in the same way that a particular personality trait or talent can be passed through the genes, it is what happens to us during birth and the following unfolding years right up to mid life that continually influences our sexual, sensual and emotional attractions to others.

Influence 1-  Genetic pre disposition and pre-birth environmental 

Foetal brain development during pregnancy and the effect of a stressed/non-stressed pregnancy on the long-term characteristics of the male.

This first influence is based on the character attributes determined by being born from a stressed or unstressed pregnancy. It puts forward the theory that those children born from an unstressed pregnancy are more likely, but not necessarily, to become adults who develop either bisexual or homosexual attractions later in life.

Conversely, children born from stressed pregnancies are more likely but not necessarily to be adults who are more heterosexually focussed later in life. The tendency is for a first born child, being the mothers first pregnancy display these more heterosexual traits. However, this influence should be seen as a starting point on a moving spectrum that is effected by any or all of the following four other influences.

Men from stressed pregnancies

A recent study at Imperial College London shows that stress experienced by a woman during pregnancy may affect her unborn baby as early as 17 weeks after conception, with potentially permanent effects on brain and development. The 5 influences theory puts forward the idea that the more stressed the pregnancy, the more likely the child would be born with self-survival instincts. Nature’s method of ensuring the survival of the species in times of danger.

These characteristics are:

• a competitive nature
• self-centered
• less sense lack of empathy towards others
• a tendency to be aggressive/defensive
• non-intimate
• controlling personality
• strongly heterosexual.

These are all attributes that would be beneficial for survival particularly in life-threatening times. If food was scarce or her security and safety threatened the pregnant mother would be in a sate of anxiety and the developing child she is carrying would be programmed with characteristics that equipped it with a better chance of survival. I call this the SIM effect (Self-Interested Male)

This SIM male will be naturally competitive with a tendency to fight for its own survival. Being self-centered/introvert he will be focussed on his own needs. Having a lack of empathy towards others ensures he puts himself first and is not reliant on others to support him. His tendency towards aggressive or defensive behavior and to be hyper aware and vigilant against threats and able to respond quickly and confidently, ensures he can defend or protect himself. Being non-intimate removes the need to develop close relationships and so he can continually seek new sexual partners. The more sex he has the more chance of ensuring his genetic line. He will have a controlling personality since by controlling his environment he maintains his own security and safety. Being assertively heterosexual he is continually seeking out opportunities to procreate with females again to secure his genes and maintain the species in times of threat.

The more stressed the pregnancy the stronger these characteristics appear to be and it seems that in modern times these types of men will havea  tendency to follow specific careers as Barristers, Salespeople, Competitive Sportsmen, Politicians, the Military, Surgeons, Bankers, Entrepreneurs, Celebrity types. Not surprisingly these are often the men that we hear about in the press who use sex workers and it is their wives who often complain that their SIM husbands are egotistical, unfaithful and when it come to sex are assertive but lacking in foreplay skills and are more focussed their own pleasure than their female partners.

Men from a less stressed pregnancy

A child born from a pregnancy that is less stressed appears to develop characteristics of a completely different nature. These characteristics appear designed to be inclusive of others rather than exclusive. Typically these characteristics are:-

• empathetic
• good communicators
• sensitive
• other people focussed/extrovert,
• creative
• bisexual or polysexual
• have a need of physical intimacy
• Attributes that are designed to bond with others and help build relationships and community

I call these types SOM’s (Social Open Males)

In early man when food was plenty and life secure that was the time for building and expanding the community. Less focus on the species survival but more on species growth. This meant the SIM males although still necessary the community also needed SOM males who more could be creative with food collection, supportive of the group they belonged to, be able to work as a team with other males to support the group. To communicate and be good organisers and to have a caring nature to maintain group harmony.

Careers these types of men tend to follow today are as Accountants, Solicitors, Small Business Owners, Hospitality, Therapists, Teachers, Nurses, Theatre Actors, Academics, Consultants, IT Developers, Designers. The Som personality types have skills that are about developing and supporting the broader community.

Of course male biology is not polarized and all males will have their own unique biology at birth, according to the foetal development in relations to the mother’s disposition and biological chemistry during pregnancy, meaning that these innate characteristics should be seen as being on a spectrum placing every male anywhere from being a total SIM to a SOM or somewhere in between as most of us are.

Of the 380 men surveyed and asked about the state of their mothers well being during her pregnancy with them 57% said that they were either quite or very calm.

72 – A little stressed (19%)
28 – don’t know( 7.5%)
113 – quite calm (30.5%)
50 – somewhat stressed (13.5%)
13 – very stressed (3.5%)
101 – very calm (27%)

Of those 216 that said quite or very calm 179 ( 82%) were men who later in life defined themselves privately as gay, bi sexual or bicurious supporting the fact that a calm pregnancy may psychological program the child to have more empathetic , creative and community focussed characteristics.

Influence 2 – Cultural

Our circumstances at birth to 10 yrs

We don’t get a choice about where on the planet we are born, who our biological parents are or what culture or belief system we are educated by. From the moment we are born, maybe even before, we are bombarded by unconscious messages from parents, siblings, teachers, friends and strangers on how we should behave so that we are accepted by the community we are born into and survive the challenging time of childhood.

No matter if a male child is born with the self-focussed characteristics of the SIM or empatheitic nature of the SOM the moment the child is born his reptilian brain will react to the messages being given to him as to how best to behave to be sure to maintain food, shelter, and sustenance.

If the child is born a natural SOM but grows up in an ultra conservative closed minded society of strict morality around sex and is given clearly defined gender type roles of how a male should behave then his SOM characteristics will become suppressed. For example, a male child who by the age of 6 is showing a natural talent for dance, theater or art may be forced to deny theses talents because the culture he is born into dictates that he should play football, climb trees, learn to fight. Equally a SIM might be born into a very liberal society and find that his flamboyant artistic hippy parents live by a code that does not fit with his competitive less empathetic character.

Think of the fictional characters of Batman and Robin. Batman or Bruce Wayne was born an only child in a crime-ridden city of Gotham (probably stressed pregnancy) to Philanthropist parents Dr Thomas and Martha Wayne, who when he was 8 years old were murdered in the back streets of Gotham City to make young Bruce an orphan and the ultimate SIM (think image, attitude, ego etc) where as Robin is more than likely a strong SOM (colorful, eager to please, sensitive, and always in the supporting role) Maybe if the story was different Brue may have become a city tycoon and Robin a fashion designer!

How this effects a mans sexuality is that by adolescence when a young man becomes aware of his sexuality if he is feeling any draw to same-sex intimacy or exploration this will be suppressed so that he does not risk being rejected by his family and community. This is why in the survey, we see many men who say they have lived a heterosexual live for many years but who say that attraction to other males started before the age of 18.

67% of men surveyed (225/335) said that their attraction to other men started before the age of 18. Of that 82% (185/225) are men who at the time of the survey were still publicly defining themselves as straight.

Influence 3 – Paternal Relationship 0 -16 yrs

In parallel and quite often in conflict the with the second influence the third influence is to do with our relationships with our mothers and fathers or primary carers when we are young. I have noticed that most men who seek same sex sensual intimacy later in life have experienced similar relationship dynamics with fathers or a  primary male carer who were responsible for their welfare and security in childhood.

It appears that if the relationship between the primary male figure in the child’s early life is in some way emotionally fractured or absent then there is a far greater tendency to seek masculine connection and approval from other men later in life. It could be that the father is often absent due to work or maybe has divorce and consequently has little contact. Aggression from father to son, high expectation and pressure to perform, death, lack of interest, addiction are all possible reasons why the relationship between the son and father can become emotionally broken.

Why should this then manifest in an interest in other men later on in life? A smooth developmental journey of a child is extremely important if that child is going to grow into a self confident grounded adult. From birth to 2yrs we learn trust vs. mistrust, from 2 to 3 years, autonomy vs. shame and doubt. 3 to 5 years initiative vs. guilt, 6 to 11 years industry vs. inferiority and then in our teens identity vs inferiority and it is mostly from our parents that we learn the difference or become one or other. It follows that if during the period between birth and 14 one of the main influencers on the child’s development, the father, is negative or absent and not replaced, then there will be a strong tendency for that child to feel the negative aspects about themselves. To mitigate this, as they get older,  this undeveloped self will seek out from other male figures the approval it missed and still yearns.  This need or attraction is emotional rather than sexual but often it will manifest in physical contact with other males. Hugging, holding, stroking are all basic methods with which early humans developed trusting relationship with one another and the more intimate and sensitive area of the body touched the more trusting the relations will be.

To check this 3rd influence I asked men to select the most accurate description of the relationship between themselves and their fathers or primary male carers before the age of 12. Out of 366 answers 253 (69%) report that they had a relationship with their fathers that they felt some level of emotional distance, absence or aggression. Only 96 (26%) said they had a close supportive relationship and 17 (4%) said he was OK.

 Influence 4 – Maternal Relationship 0-16 yrs

The 4th influence is the state of the relationship between the male child and his mother or his primary female carer from birth to around 16. If the relationship with the father or primary male career has been fractured then often the relationship with the mother will become closer. A child needs an environment of sustenance and safety in which to grow, and without a positive relationship with a male figure, they will often have to rely more on the female carer for their security.

This will be the mother but can also be relationships with a grandmother or even female siblings. It often follows that if the father is absent or aggressive then the mother or female carers maybe the sole provider and have a tough job to maintain the welfare of the family. The effect of this extra demand can result in the mother feeling extra stress and have the tendency to be anxious. Long working hours or being absent for periods of time will cause the male child to be very aware of the need to support his mother and behave in a manner that does not increase her stress. He will learn to micro manage her moods and then adjust his own behavior accordingly. Helping around the home, being a good boy, avoiding getting in the way are all familiar behavior adaptations of a male child who is brought up in these circumstances.

Later life when an adult he will through habit unconsciously continue to monitor female partner’s moods. He will be more susceptible to female criticism. During adolescence and into his 20’s a man when if he has begun to have sexual experiences with women it is unlikely he will be much aware of any affect on his performance but as he gets older and his body is less fit he may begin to experience early erectile issues.

Loss of erection, inability to orgasm or spontaneous ejaculation are all classic issues for men who feel anxiety during sex. If this anxiety becomes regular and frequently occurs when he is a female, then he may begin to wonder about his sexuality.

To compound this feeling of ambiguity, if he is also becoming aware of his need to bond physically with another male this can cause him to question his true sexuality. Male clients who are in heterosexual relationships but have come to me for sensual massage, have told me that although they seek sex with women, they often experience issues with sexual performance but when with another man they have felt relaxed and at ease.

They say they have felt more turned on, with erections being maintained and a deeper sense of pleasure being experienced. This will re affirm their belief that they must be more attracted to men maybe even be gay when in fact it is a combination of influences of the need to feel masculine approval and an over sensitive reaction to percieved female judgment.

The survey asked the question; select the most accurate description of your relationship with your mother or primary female carer before the age of 12. Of 372 answers 257 ( 69%) said it was close caring and supportive.
Of the 257 men who stated that their relationship with their mother was close, caring and supportive 221 (86 %) privately define themselves as either gay (124) bi sexual (46) or bi-curious (51) leaving only 14% (35) defining as straight.

Influence 5 – Life Cycle Bonding 

Competitive Procreators to Co-Operative Provider

The time frame for the evolution of the genus Homo out of the chimpanzee–human last common ancestor is roughly 10 to 2 million years ago. Our species of Homo Sapien has been in existence for about 1.8 million years. It is estimated that we have been communicating with a verbal language for about 200,000 years so it is not unreasonable to assume that prior to a verbal language being our primary form of communication that a visual and physical language must have been the method for at least couple of million years.

We only have to watch our domestic pets or farm animals to witness how nonverbal languages work. Two dogs meet and tails wag and bottoms get sniffed, two horses meet and they snuffle ones another’s necks, a small dog meets a large dog and the former rolls over exposing its stomach and genitals. As animals communicate visually and physically so do we humans. Maybe we are not so aware but each time we communicate we also use physical signs to support our message. Gestures, eye contact and of course touch. A hand rests on a shoulder to show support, a palm touches a cheek to show affection, we hug, we kiss, we hold hands.

Although the survey shows that most of the men asked the question when did they first became aware of their attraction to the same sex of the 383 asked 67% said they first became aware of an attraction before the age of 18 years. However, of the 383 who gave their age at the time they are now  297  out of 383, 76% are above age of 41. It can be argued that this will be dependent on the age selection of the survey takes but since many of those taking the survey have come to it by search engine or via male to male sensual massage web sites it can be argued that their is a tendency for older men to seek male to male physical intimacy.

From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. If it is accepted that the primary strategy of the male is to secure his genetic future by having sexual intercourse with as many females as possible, so quantity above quality.

On the other hand, the sexual strategy of the female is to seek quantity and quality, so she will be more selective about which males she has sex with since she needs to ensure that her biology has a choice of genetic matches to chose from. This strategy ensures both a good biological match but also since the various mals she has had sexual intercourse with actually have no idea which of them is the biological father she has in fact created multiple fathers. When the baby is born not all the males will take an interest in both her and the offspring’s welfare since there is a chance that they are the biological father.

This strategy highlights the two fundamental strategies of the male and female that underpins both genders behavior. Males seek approval ( they need to be chosen by the female to have sex) and female seek desire (the more desirable she makes herself, the more males she attracts to have sex with)

For the female, the motivation to be desirable continues until menopause, and she can be sexually productive for anything up to her mid 50s. The male, on the other hand, starts his menopause at around twenty-one. It begins very slowly, and most men have little awareness of any changes in their libido. But once they pass their mid-twenties most men will experience a gradual decline in virility. Sponateous erections experienced when a teenager no longer happen quite so regularly. By the age of 30 usually getting aroused requires either visual or physical stimulation and by 40 maintaining an erection can become unpredictable. A question I am often asked (particularly by older women) is why do women hit their second sexual peek in their 40’s, and yet men seem to be on the sexual decline by this age. This is because nature wants females to mostly procreate with younger males/ Younger males have less change of carrying a virus they are fit and can protect. At a younger age when they are fit and sexually receptive they attract similar aged males but when female become more mature it is even more necessary for them to mate with a young healthy male. The Cougar woman is not a fantasy.

So if nature’s processes imply that older men are no longer required to be the primary procreators having to leave this role to the younger males, why are they not dispensed with. Why does nature keep older males alive, why not kill them off. Because their roles change. Older males are experienced, stronger and therefore can serve the community by being protectors and providers rather than front line procreators

Human child rearing is not particularly efficient when it comes to securing genetic lineage. Most human females only have one child at a time. Pregnancy is nine months, and during this time the mother is vulnerable and needs support and security to ensure a safe birth. This vulnerability continues after birth for a least another three years while she is rearing the child in which time she may have had two more offspring. So the older males would be tasked with caring and protecting the groups offspring. To achieve this, they need to work together to hunt, fight off predators and be creative in making the home secure and safe. To work together like this these older males need to alter their relationship with other older males from being competitive procreators to becoming cooperative providers.

Today men build relationships mostly by talking, meeting in the pub, sharing stories about exploits or sports teams. But before humans developed speech 200,000 years males would have been achieved this relationship change with a visual or physical language. A language of touch. To touch one another was a sign of acceptance, to touch one another in vulnerable areas of the body, the genitals and more poignantly the testicles, Mutual touching of these spots showed a sign of complete trust. Sharing ones testicles not only meant the male was metaphorically trusting the other male with his genetic future but it also felt good. As the testicles are stroked signals are sent to the limbic system of the brain that immediately causes large amounts of the ‘ love hormone’ Oxytocin to be released. This relaxes the male and encourages them to bond with one another.

This evolutionary process to shift the male to male relationships from competitive procreator to co operative provider is still happening today. We see it in every day life when as they get older men tend to join male orientated communities such as the sports club, the gym, and now with dating apps like Grndr men seek out other men for sexual pleasure, they seek out close intimate male relationships, and reciprocal genital touch and arousal is very much a part of this evolutionary male to male bonding process.

Imagine two males who once were vying for females meet on the planes of African 250,0000 years ago. Instinct tells them they need to go hunt together and to protect one another. Initially, they touch and poke one another, but gradually the touching becomes more sensual causing oxytocin to be released from the pituitary gland. The oxytocin immediately relaxes and turns them on, and soon the touching becomes sexually pleasurable with the testicles being the most sensitive and vulnerable part of the body that can be allowed to be touched by another. This is a classic behavior of the Bonobo chimpanzee that uses this same strategy to maintain a social calm in their troop. Bonobos and Humans are genetically 97% similar.

Is it too far fetched to consider that once migration out of Africa happened and humans lived in colder climates where garments were needed that the male to the male ceremony of touching one another’s testicle evolved into a symbolism of touching hands….. the handshake!

The word Testify comes from the Latin word for Testicle – Read More 

From Colin

If you have found this article of interest or helpful and you are willing to share your own personal story about your own sexuality and you would like to help me change the way men understand their own sexuality and how society sees male sexuality in general, then please take the survey.

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To send your personal story email colin at – colin@intimacymatters.co.uk

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Often when I am working with single women or couples, it soon is clear that the primary reason for sexual complacency or even dissatisfaction in their relationship is that the sex has become boring or has always been unfulfilling with both partners accepting that nothing will change.

How we relate to sex and intimacy, is very much dependent on what influences we have been exposed to when young and how sex is presented to us by our parents and teachers. Upbringing, culture, and belief systems go a long way to encourage or discourage our sexual awareness and confidence. If we do not receive adequate sex education either formally or through our own means then we can get left behind on the sexual journey. If we then meet a partner who is equally sexually restrained, then the joint adventure of experiencing together the exquisite pleasures of sexual intimacy remains elusive.

To compound the problem if a man or women is experiencing a lack of sexual fulfilment they only believe so because of  hearing stories of other people’s conquests and sexual adventures. This will only go further to undermine the sexual confidence of the unsatisfied.

Women who can not reach orgasm, men who feel shy and guilty about sex, women who feel ashamed or culturally bound to behave, men who lack knowledge and experience or men who fear disapproval by getting it wrong. These are often the underlying reasons why a sexual relationship can turn sour.

Here are a couple of short stories to highlight one of the reasons why sex in a relationship can become mundane and unappealing.

Brad, who works in Canary Wharf as a hedge fund manager, simply loves the buzz of making money and the fast paced self-indulgent lifestyle that it brings with it.  Only one thing is dampening Brads happiness, and that is his inability to maintain a long-term relationship. Brad loves women; he loves sex, and nothing makes him more satisfied than giving women an orgasm. But little does Brad realise that it is how he has sex that is the main reason the long term relationship, marriage, and children he longs for to complete his self-vision, remains a fantasy. Like the way he drives his new primrose yellow Porsche Cayman sports car, Brad has sex. He hits the road, straight on to the M5 motorway, blasts down the fast lane and after 20 miles of high-speed racing turns to his female passenger and asks “ Wow did you enjoy that?” To finish his journey Brad then pulls off and takes her to enjoy a pint at HIS favourite pub “The Bull in Bush!” with his equally nonempathetic mates while she sits there sipping warm glass of Cava that Brad graciously bought her and wondering if the journey was about her at all!

Now don’t get me wrong, fast cars, pints, and pubs are great but for Brads female passenger the novelty soon wears off. More than likely this is the way Brad will have sex, he has sex continually steaming away in 5th gear with little regard to his partner’s pleasure and only focussed on his achievements and pleasure. No wonder his partners soon hitch another ride with a more versatile considerate driver.

Simon, on the other hand, is Mr Sensible, he has trained long and hard and is soon to become a partner in the solicitors firm he works for. Simon has many friends and his weekends are often taken up inviting them around for a meal which he takes great care to prepare and execute. Simon is very proud of his Nissan Rogue. It sits in his drive way in Putney for most of the week and then on Saturday he religiously takes it out onto the M25  for a quick spin. It does not take long for Simon to get up to his top speed as he always remains within the speed limit and only goes for 2 juntions.  He prides himself on his careful driving and so rarely finds he has to leave the slow lane. After his Saturday routine tour, Simon likes to return home to a regular Sunday roast.  Sadly Simon is so sure his way is the best way that he never realises that his partner fantasises for the day when Simon takes them out in a British racing green Jaguar F-type to race down the M3, wind blowing in hair to end up at the most romantic beach on the south coast for Champagne and oysters to make wild passionate love.

Fortunately, there are not many Brads and Simons around. But many men will have shades of one or other of the characters. The ideal is that men embody a combination of the two. The Brads to become more other aware and Simons to become more bold and adventurous. Whichever story is identified with, investing time in learning how to expand skills as a lover, to adopt some or either Brad or Simons positive characterises will make your and your partner’s sex life a much more exciting journey. So, gentlemen, whether you are straight, gay or bisexual think what car you drive,  how and where you drive it and what might be your passenger’s experience.

By watching and learning from our Intimate Tutorials; Male to Female and or Male to Male Tutorials, you can increase your knowledge, confidence and skills as a lover. By incorporating a better awareness of the psychology of sex and the skills of intimate erotic touch, you can become a lover that everyone wants to hitch a ride with. So don’t just become a better driver why not invest in taking your advanced driver course or even obtain an HGV license and become king of the road.

An award-winning TV documentary maker has approached me to take part in a documentary on female sexuality.

The documentary will explore how psychosexual and psychosensual therapy can be very beneficial in helping women achieve a more satisfying sex life. The documentary will be highlighting needs and issues that may include: stories of: sexual restriction and frustration, often due to cultural rules, lack of personal sexual knowledge, inability to orgasm, partners inexperience, single and busy and no time for sexual relationships and increasingly unfulfilled post menopause sexual needs and more. The programme will explore issues that many women experience but that current attitudes and treatments are coy about dealing with openly, honestly and practically. For the actual documentary, two or three female clients will be required, they will receive  a minimum of three x 3 hour Psychosensual Appointments (value £735). FREE and their journey’s will be filmed (sensitively) and documented throughout the programme. 

This is an amazing opportunity to be part of a ground breaking documentary.The production company are committed to making a sympathetic mature non-sensational documentary tracking your progress before, during and after the treatments. We want to explore issues that effect a variety of  women so if you are aged between early 20’s to 60+, any culture or spiritual belief systems, single or partnered and of any body type. I look forward to hearing from you. The treatments would be given in Central London at a high-end gym/spa and all production will be sympathetic and mature in its approach but honest and clear in its content. As well as the FREE treatments travel and expenses would also be covered.

If you are interested in taking part in this very important groundbreaking documentary please click on APPLY HERE to complete the application form. Confidentiality assured.

If you want to ask more information before applying please call me on 07966 522 696

Ponda Films is a new production company dedicated to telling fresh and contemporary stories about the world in which we live. With our roster of top production talent drawn from the worlds of documentary, current affairs and factual entertainment, we have the skills and experience to bring stories alive in the most creative possible way, whatever the genre. Between us, we have made numerous critically acclaimed films and series for the likes of the BBC, ITV, Channel 4, Al Jazeera, Discovery Channel, A&E, and TLC. Above all, we believe in the power of filmmaking to change the world, and we have the track record to prove it.

A personal ponder from Colin about why this programme has to be made

This is a very important project for me and I am so pleased Ponda are keen to make the documentary. In the past 4 years I have seen nearly 200 female clients and in that time I have come to understand that many women are in some way experiencing sexual challenges or frustrations but that they often feel they have to remain silent, thinking that there is nowhere to go to explore or alleviate their needs. Since the feature in Cosmopolitan Magazine in November I  have heard many times from female clients that what I offer is exactly what they have been seeking. but never thought would be available. Listed below are the most common  reasons and  motivations that  female clients quote when booking a sensual or psycho-sensual appointment.

Sexual frustration

Inability to orgasm
Rocketing libido with no place to go
Lack of sexual confidence
Sexual inexperience
Fear of intimacy
Anorgasmia (fear of penetrative sex)
Inequality in a sexual relationship
Partner does not touch me anymore
I don’t want to touch my partner anymore
Postmenopausal sexual issues
Self-exploration both physically and emotionally
Busy life / sex & intimacy is limited
Guilt and shame around sex
Over control / lack of trust in sex
Overcoming negative experiences around intimacy and sex

I find it incomprehensible that something as natural and fundamental to literally the survival of the species as female sexuality should over the last few hundred years have become so controlled, judged, patronized and ridiculed by society.  As a consequence many women even in today’s enlightened world still can feel guilty or shameful being open about their sexuality and sexual needs. I use the word “needs” because for women particularly, to maintain good health and a sense of well-being in general, it is vital that she experiences her sexual energies regularly.

Of course, we all know that intimate arousing touch, sexual foreplay, and penetrative sex are meant to be pleasurable but do we ever consider why it is so? Why has nature made it such a focus in all our lives? To keep the species going, of course, is a primary reason but increasingly research is proving that arousing touch and sex is just very healthy. Physiologically for both men and women when we are sensually and sexually stimulated we produce a cocktail of hormones and endorphins that boost the immune system and energize our very cells at a core level. Psychologically, the necessary human trait to constantly fear rejection or abandonment (we are a herding species and need to be with other humans to survive) is calmed. In women, it satisfies the primal need to be desired and in men the primal need to be approved of. It brings us together, it engages us, it enables connection with others. Therefore, it follows that without experiencing these sexual energies in one’s life a feeling of rejection, not belonging, lack of self-worth, feeling undesired and not good enough become the primary fears. This can result in the immune system slacking causing ill health, depression and possibly even life threatening diseases.

Men can self-administer and to a degree replicate the same sensations of penetrative sex and as most men know masturbation becomes an essential part of life. A well-oiled hand can recreate a similar feeling as penetrating a vagina and so the usual physical process and psychological satisfaction can be experienced and after orgasm, he mostly feels satisfied. Like the difference between hungrily snacking on a Big Mac or taking the time to enjoy the flavour and textures of a fabulous Aberdeen Angus steak, both satisfy hunger but only the latter gives with it a combined gastronomic and emotional experience.

Women can of course also masturbate but clitoral stimulation, even masturbation with a dildo can not generate the physical depth and carnal connection nor emotional euphoria that penetration of the vagina brings about. No matter how well practiced or imaginative she is when masturbating the primal desire and human energy that occurs when a female experiences full penetration can not be recreated. Every woman knows there is a difference between the self-initiated satisfaction of a clitoral orgasm and the a vaginal orgasm. For the female analogy, its like the difference between eating a shop bought bar of chocolate or being given some superb chocolates exquisitely made by a chocolatier, both can be satisfying but only the latter is an expansive indulgent emotional experience.

Taking the analogy further, the sensual massage experience that includes both clitoral and vaginal stimulation is neither the bought bar nor the chocolatiers indulgence but sits somewhere in between. Maybe a really good homemade chocolate brownie or chocolate fondants desert. Still bought but never the less given with pleasure in mind for her to feel spoilt and fulfilled.

Nothing is new

Even the Victorians who have a reputation for puritanical attitudes towards sex recognized that women were sexual animals. Sadly though this was in such conflict with their strong moral and religious beliefs that any women showing an element of desire to have sex for anything more than procreative reasons was diagnosed as mentally sick. 150 years ago the Victorians diagnosed it as Hysteria and the treatment was either clinical masturbation by a doctor or incarceration in asylums or shockingly for over 80,000 women removal of the ovaries, hence we now know much more about the human endocrine system in the body! Hysteria was seen as a mental disorder as it made women behave inappropriately according to societies rules of that period. Of course, today we are shocked by that attitude and we acknowledge  that a woman who enjoys sex for pleasure is not mad. Have we really moved on or just camouflaged the narrow-mindedness by accepting the scientific knowledge that orgasm in women is real and can be enjoyed for pleasure. It is accepted for women to enjoy sex within a partnership, marriage even open casual dating but what is available for women who are not in a relationship and don’t want to casual date ? or for those who for some reason have a fear or frustration around sex and are embarrassed even scared to enjoy nature’s natural process.

Is Sexercise the new Exercise?

Imagine yourself going for one of your thrice-weekly workouts. Maybe a pilates class to re align your body structure or a session in the gym to tone your torso and flatten your stomach. Or maybe you feel like taking one of the new ‘Sexercise’ classes to energise your pelvic floor or loosen up the tension your genitals. Or possibly you want to restart your sexual libido which has been flagging after childbirth and sex with your partner still feels a trifle embarrassing. Or maybe you have a sexual performance challenge that you want to deal with, with an expert or maybe you just want some ‘sexual me time’.

Even the word gymnasium derives from the ancient greek of a place to be naked to take exercise. So is it too far fetched for me to consider combining sensual and psychosensual body treatments with the gym and personal training environment. One day and I hope soon, taking ‘Sexercise’ will be as normal as taking exercise and a life choice that is as acceptable as the yoga class is today. Now that we live in a far more automated and potentially sedentary world many people accept that taking care of our skeletal, muscular and spiritual well-being is important. By living and eating healthily and taking regular exercise we believe that our personal welfare and sense of self-worth will be balanced. But this is not always the case since no matter how much effort we put into out health and fitness regime if our bodies are not experiencing at least, intimate touch and sexual arousal then the underlying feeling will be of something missing. All our body systems are designed for two integral functions. Survival and Procreation. To survive we need to eat and to procreate we need to have sex. Everything else about the human condition comes after this or is in support of maximizing the eating and procreating. Yet in today’s so-called open accepting society we still deal with these basic natural instincts in very different ways.

Sex & Food, what’s the difference?

What if we switched our relationship with food with how we relate to sex. It would mean that eating by ourselves would have been frowned upon even seen by some as disgusting. That we could only eat in a certain way and only certain foods. That every culture and belief system would have different rules about what and with whom and how often we can eat. That we should not casually eat or eat too often but follow a prescripted system and restrain from eating when we felt like it. That we should not watch others eat, and eating in groups, well that’s just weird! Experimenting with different food would be only for the adventurous or frustrated eaters and paying someone to feed us simply exploitative and morally wrong. Most of us would only be expected to enjoy eating in the company of one other person, for a lifetime and that we would be embarrassed to talk about how we eat and what we eat with our children and hope that they learnt to eat properly by watching fantasy food programmes the internet or hearing of their friends eating exploits and then having a go without poisoning themselves.

Conversely, imagine if the importance of intimacy and sex could be taught from childhood, that it is ok to ask how to have sex properly and that there are proper instructions given so we can understand the many aspects of sexual intimacy. That we are aware that everyone’s relationship to sex is different and that some like sex with lights on or off and some only off. That we could view TV programmes about sex (Come Sex With Me! The Great British Sex Off! The Naked Sex Worker! Delia Smiths Sex Course!). That every time we had sex we could know how many calories we used up. That we could select to have the type of sex according to our mood that day. We could freely take part in sex classes learning new techniques, the history of sex and how sex is different in different cultures. We could openly invite friends to sex and intimacy parties without shocking the neighbours (hopefully, they would be there too). That we could happily enjoy instant take away sex or the beautiful 5-course version with our loved one

If you feel you want to support the making of this documentary or just have an opinion or an experience you would like to put forward then drop me a line at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk

To make an appointment with me CLICK HERE

To read more about the treatments I offer women CLICK HERE

We recently read an article written by Kara Maria Ananda on the awesomeness of the Vagina. It may not be every mans place of fascination but for the heterosexual, bisexual and bi curious men who read this newsletter, not to mention the many female m33Xtra members, it makes informative and revealing reading.

With my female client list growing weekly we can personally vouch for much of what Kara writes. Watch out guys we may soon be toppled off our sexual pedestal. Womanhood is freeing itself from the confines of society’s archaic shameful beliefs and the Vagina is claiming its rightful role as the powerhouse of human sexual energy. Penises may be proud but vaginas are quite simply awesome.  Read on ladies and be blessed in the individuality of your anatomy and gentlemen we recommend you take a few minutes to read this as it may well change the way you view your female partner(s) forever.

1. Vaginas Are Like Fingerprints.

Each vagina is different and unique. Like a fingerprint, it is the female body’s individual design and not like anyone else’s. There is no standard issue model and there is no “normal” vagina. Each vagina IS beautiful and fabulous just the way it is. Like a unique snowflake or flower, a woman’s vagina is the fingerprint to her erotic self.

Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t even know what a healthy normal vagina or vulva looks like, so they are fearful that they might be different. This is largely propagated because of the pervasiveness of the pornography industry which frequently will airbrush out a women’s labia minora resulting in a smaller and more adolescent appearing vulva. They do this to be more “discreet” – yeah, like pornography could ever be considered discreet.

Female genital plastic surgery is now a lucrative growing business in the US and beyond, with cosmetic surgeons heavily marketing to women to “improve appearance”. Unless there is a medical reason for female genital surgery it is no different than female genital mutilation, just promoted for cosmetic reasons and profiteering from women’s bodies rather than for adherence to patriarchal religious doctrines.

There has been no long term studies done on the effects of female genital plastic surgery and the reduction of the labia and vagina results in a significant loss of pleasure receptors as well as potentially causing scarring, infection, pain, excessive tightness necessitating physical therapy, and other complications. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology published a report in 2007 warning that most female genital cosmetic surgery was not ethical, acceptable, standardized or medically warranted.

A woman’s  body is designed the way it is for to support you to have outstanding orgasms, health, and protection of your lady parts. Getting to know your vulva and vagina will help you to love and appreciate the incredible female body you are blessed with. Your vagina and vulva are perfect just the way they are!

2. The Vagina-Brain Connection

Naomi Wolf writes in her book “Vagina: A New Biography” that the vagina is not only deeply interconnected with the brain through the complex female pelvic neural network, but that it’s also a part of the female soul. This means that for a woman to become aroused, she must be mentally turned on and excited, and orgasms can be a deeply spiritual experience. This involves the activation of the autonomic nervous system through deep relaxation and sensual touch which allows a woman to enter into an altered state of consciousness that precedes and facilitates the experience of orgasm.
Thus it’s true, foreplay is essential for women, because lovemaking and arousal is not as simple a physiological response as it is for men, who have much less complex pelvic neural networks. Women need to be slowly relaxed and eased into opening to ecstasy through their whole beings – mind, body and soul. The deeper the relaxation and trance state, the more incredible the orgasms become!

3. Women Are Multi-Orgasmic

It’s amazing blessing that women are able to experience multiple orgasms! The ability for women to be multi-orgasmic allows us to access deepening levels of pleasure, sensations, expanded consciousness and connection with our higher selves. This is nature’s gift to women that supports us in enjoying lovemaking and demonstrates that for humanity, sex and love is not just about making babies, it’s about connecting deeper with our lovers and ourselves, and is a portal to higher states of consciousness and spiritual communion. While men can learn to control their lovemaking to also experience multiple orgasms it is harder for them to do so.

However, many women are unable to orgasm, or have yet to experience an orgasm, let alone multiple orgasms. I once attended a women’s circle on the subject of sexuality with over 20 women of all ages from mid-twenties to mid-eighties sharing about their feelings and experiences of sex, orgasms and erotic love. Many older women in the circle reported not knowing what a real orgasm was until they were in their forties or even sixties! Know that this is learnable, and through emotional release work, the calming of the nervous system, healing of past traumas, and sexological bodywork, many blocks that may be preventing the nervous system from truly relaxing deep enough into the experience can be released and new sexual experiences are possible – at any age.

Additionally, most women do not orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone and need clitoral stimulation to climax. Getting creative through erotic touch can open the gateway to higher levels of pleasure. Orgasms are fabulous for health providing many physiological advantages from reducing stress and supporting restful sleep, to soothing menstrual cramping and headaches.

4. The Clitoris Is HUGE

When most people think of the clitoris, what they think of is just the tip of the iceberg. The tips or glans protrudes above the vaginal opening, offering a key spot for sensual stimulation. However, their are over 8000 nerves of the clitoris which extend throughout the tissue beneath the surface, inside the vagina and through the vulva and perineum. There are more nerve endings in the clitoris than in any other part of a human body, including the penis, which only has 4000 nerves in contrast. It is an organ specially designed for incredible pleasure!

The clitoris actually has 18 different interconnected parts that work together to facilitate pleasure and orgasm, including the labia minora, the G-spot, the tip, the shaft and more. Author Rebecca Chalker wrote a wonderful book called “The Clitoral Truth” which elaborates on the true extent of the clitoris and it’s pleasure receptors. Through learning about the anatomy of the clitoris, women can learn enhance their sensations of pleasure and understanding of our bodies.

5. Vaginas Are Flexible

I remember in junior high, having a female friend mention that she couldn’t figure out how to fit a tampon in her vagina, let alone imagine how it could ever someday fit a penis. In the same fashion, many women wonder how it’s possible for a baby to actually exit their body through the birth process. Truthfully, women’s bodies are AMAZING and the vagina can actually expand quite extensively when relaxed and the hormonal orchestra is right, such as during arousal or childbirth.

Ina May Gaskin, considered the grandmother of modern midwifery, writes in her book “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth” how when a women is relaxed in natural childbirth, the vagina and vulva can open rapidly and easily. She shares a story of one woman who she witnessed give birth, who’s yoni opened really WIDE and quickly during pushing for the baby to be born, and later reported that she silently repeated to herself the mantra “I’m gonna get HUGE!” during childbirth – and she did so as to easily and quickly birth her baby.

Thanks to this story, at the moments before I gave birth to my second child at home, my husband shouted out to me: “Your getting HUGE!” He thought that would help. Dads, I don’t recommend that, but I do find it quite hilarious now.

Unfortunately many women are told in pregnancy that they are too small to give birth vaginally, and are coerced into c-sections. This is just not true, as women’s bodies expand during childbirth and it’s not possible to look at a women’s vagina and say whether or not she is capable of birthing her baby vaginally or not before hand. During the time of labor and birth, the main issue preventing women from birthing vaginally is stress.

Imagine if you had to take a poop and there were 5 people in the bathroom telling you to push, push, push. I know many people who cannot go to the bathroom away from home, because they need that total relaxation and privacy, and public bathrooms with other people in the adjacent stalls cause tension and discomfort.

It’s similar for birth because we need to relax deeply and have privacy to open up so vulnerably. In my first labor, I sequestered myself in the bathroom during labor and that’s when I relaxed enough to let my baby descend and begin pushing. Thanks to having good support, relaxation and privacy during labor, I have ecstatically birthed two big babies naturally at home, 8 lbs and 9 lbs, with no tears and quick healing.

Vaginas are not ever just one size. The inner lining folds in upon itself, collapsing the internal space, only to expand with relaxation, arousal and lubrication. This incredible ability of the vagina to expand when needed seems to continue to boggle the minds of mothers to be and doctors.

6. Vaginas Are Strong

It may be soft and hidden away inside out bodies, but  vaginas are powerful and strong. Better and more frequent orgasms, an improved sex life, and prevention of back pain are all results of optimal pelvic floor strength. Kegel exercises are a popularized technique to strengthen the pelvic floor, but can actually cause worsening of problems due to not addressing all the muscle groups that are involved in pelvic health, including the glutes, and actually causing over-tightening of the pelvic floor.

Katy Bowman, a biomechanist who teaches functional movement, recommends that women squat daily to strengthen the gluteal muscles and improve pelvic floor tensility, support and strength. Deep squats with the heels and feet flat on the floor and toes facing forward several times a day is the most effective way to incorporate daily movement that enhances pelvic floor health, vaginal lengthening, flexibility and most importantly postural and pelvic alignment.

Another more effective way than Kegels to increase the strength, support, health, and somatic awareness of the vagina is through a Jade Egg practice, also known as vaginal weight lifting. The Jade Egg is an ancient practice for women’s health and wellness that is regaining awareness and popularity today. The practice involves inserting a smooth egg shaped crystal (usually jade though sometimes other minerals) into the vagina and learning to control the movement of it up and down. This strengthens the entire muscle system and increases somatic awareness of the muscles inside the vagina. Kim Anami is a popular modern teacher of the Jade Egg practice and she calls it Vaginal Kung Fu. Kim has a legendary vagina that is so strong, she can suspend from a Jade Egg inside her body heavy objects such as a bowling ball or surfboard.

Vaginas truly are AWESOME!